getting worse.. Saturday, June 24, 2006 |
i haven't got any sleep yet, so bear with my sad rantings. Death is always sad.
It's funny how things change so fast. For me, life's been getting worse and worse every day. A month ago, i was living like a princess, spoiled by my parents, my allowance is was like 25,000 pesos a month, life was good, school was fun and i really thought that fate would be kind to me from then on. But i was wrong, in the past month, my parents divorced and they both have new families now, my car got repossessed because how the hell i can pay for that, i realize that i really need a second job just to make things easier. i just hope that my sisters' college insurance plans does not one day decide not to pay for their tuiton. i'm actually thinking of selling our condo unit and move to a cheaper place to rent. I applied on a restaurant/cafe on ayala, since my weekends are free, i can work there on weekends for the whole day and only do late shifts on weekdays.
i finally got the courage to see a doctor (a psychologist). i just cannot take it anymore. It's been going on for too long, and it's too much for me to handle on my own. Everyday, i have to drag myself to do the things i need to do. And everything that used to be fun and exciting, isn't anymore. A lot of times, i feel that i keep friends at arm's length and that i just cannot be close to anyone. Even in the middle of a crowded place when surrounded with friends, i feel it. And it gets really, really exhausting. And shit...i wish i'm just making drama, but i'm not. i don't know why all of this has to happen to me. When with people, it seems i don't show symptoms of it at all. It won't show in the way i act, not even in the way i dress or "portray myself". i suppose maybe, since i can hide it so well, it's THAT bad. i pray to God everyday to help me out of this. i talk to him out loud like a friend because none of my friends know. Plus, i'd just be a burden to them if they did. Or they would judge me if they knew. Only He knows how i've been feeling, how, so many times, i want to end it all--even if it means erasing everything good in myself, just to not feel pain anymore. But obviously, my faith would never allow that. i got really really close though, once (and quite recently), but i couldn't do it. That hurt too. But i suppose with all this pain comes the realization that i am human, and with that, i am alive. That being said, there is still reason to hope that things will get better, and i believe they will. So then, what the bible says is true. "Of these, three remain: Faith, Hope and Love..." except i think i haven't quite mastered the third yet.
You know they say there are people destined to succeed and be happy. i guess if the law of equivalent exchange must hold that is, to obtain, something of equal value must be lost. Then there must be people destined to be losers so other people can succeed, destined to to a life of misery so other people can be happy. and i think i'm one of them.
To end this post on a sadder note, my older sister's husband died yesterday because of 'accident' from work and at just the age of 25. Fate is so cruel. i sometimes just can't understand how god works. He's always a nice guy and certianly, he deserves a longer life than that.
Okay, i don't really know what to say anymore, except that i have to sleep. i just needed to let these thoughts out into the universe. Hooray. I'll dream tonight. Something to look forward to.
It's funny how things change so fast. For me, life's been getting worse and worse every day. A month ago, i was living like a princess, spoiled by my parents, my allowance is was like 25,000 pesos a month, life was good, school was fun and i really thought that fate would be kind to me from then on. But i was wrong, in the past month, my parents divorced and they both have new families now, my car got repossessed because how the hell i can pay for that, i realize that i really need a second job just to make things easier. i just hope that my sisters' college insurance plans does not one day decide not to pay for their tuiton. i'm actually thinking of selling our condo unit and move to a cheaper place to rent. I applied on a restaurant/cafe on ayala, since my weekends are free, i can work there on weekends for the whole day and only do late shifts on weekdays.
i finally got the courage to see a doctor (a psychologist). i just cannot take it anymore. It's been going on for too long, and it's too much for me to handle on my own. Everyday, i have to drag myself to do the things i need to do. And everything that used to be fun and exciting, isn't anymore. A lot of times, i feel that i keep friends at arm's length and that i just cannot be close to anyone. Even in the middle of a crowded place when surrounded with friends, i feel it. And it gets really, really exhausting. And shit...i wish i'm just making drama, but i'm not. i don't know why all of this has to happen to me. When with people, it seems i don't show symptoms of it at all. It won't show in the way i act, not even in the way i dress or "portray myself". i suppose maybe, since i can hide it so well, it's THAT bad. i pray to God everyday to help me out of this. i talk to him out loud like a friend because none of my friends know. Plus, i'd just be a burden to them if they did. Or they would judge me if they knew. Only He knows how i've been feeling, how, so many times, i want to end it all--even if it means erasing everything good in myself, just to not feel pain anymore. But obviously, my faith would never allow that. i got really really close though, once (and quite recently), but i couldn't do it. That hurt too. But i suppose with all this pain comes the realization that i am human, and with that, i am alive. That being said, there is still reason to hope that things will get better, and i believe they will. So then, what the bible says is true. "Of these, three remain: Faith, Hope and Love..." except i think i haven't quite mastered the third yet.
You know they say there are people destined to succeed and be happy. i guess if the law of equivalent exchange must hold that is, to obtain, something of equal value must be lost. Then there must be people destined to be losers so other people can succeed, destined to to a life of misery so other people can be happy. and i think i'm one of them.
To end this post on a sadder note, my older sister's husband died yesterday because of 'accident' from work and at just the age of 25. Fate is so cruel. i sometimes just can't understand how god works. He's always a nice guy and certianly, he deserves a longer life than that.
Okay, i don't really know what to say anymore, except that i have to sleep. i just needed to let these thoughts out into the universe. Hooray. I'll dream tonight. Something to look forward to.